Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
