Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
