I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
