ya dads aren't the best wingmen
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
