I feel like abortions should bother me more
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
