I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
