I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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