I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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