she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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