The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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