I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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