she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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