he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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