My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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