So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
