the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
