My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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