Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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