I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
