I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
