I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
