Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
