Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
