I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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