After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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