Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
