I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she smelled like a LAN party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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