My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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