I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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