ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
