my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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