Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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