I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
