If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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