Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
