How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
