Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
