If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
