I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
