Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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