mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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