I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
