Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
