of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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