glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
