you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
