woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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