i love accidental penises.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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