I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
love makes seman taste better
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
