I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
