mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
