I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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