Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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